The irony. Always go with Option "A". Always.

A living journal of memories...as thoughts come to me.

Just time. That’s all that is needed. Just some time.

I have lost the fight for a dear friend. I am battered and bruised. Drained the tank and then some. I will win the battles that were started but I have definitely lost this war.

I am no longer undefeated. Just rode hard and put away wet. Beaten down yet still standing. Akin to a boxer in the last round that waits for the closing bell.

I’ll dry off and bounce back. Just some time. Simple….time.

1st of a million.

Pain. Pure and simple pain. I helped a friend walk a mile. It was the hardest mile I could ever imagine. Holding a hand through pain and fear may be the greatest gift she ever received. That is what she told both her son and myself. I believe her words. I have never imagined pain on such a scale. I did my best to ease that pain.

We cried together yet while making it to milestones like our sons graduation. A simple day she believed she would not make. She did.

People decided they wanted to make some comments about our life and lifestyle. They never understood about our situation. Above all….we have always been the best of friends. Friends forever. Her words.

No matter where in life we are individually, we always found strength in the number 3. 3 people with different paths yet 1 common thread. Perhaps it’s time to finally explain in 1 song.

Our son saw some comments, ailments left untreated, the stacks and stacks of medical reports, the research, the doctors reports and all of the medical facts. The medical teams that would come to our home, the legal briefs sent out in return.

He watched both of us fight and beg for help. Collectively, we made discoveries which simply lead to more questions with little to no answers. We discovered a history. We documented it all to always remember. Painful memories of 3 desperate people trying to get answers.

I sang this one night. They cranked the volume so she could hear from her bed. A medical bed that she slept in alone. I slept in her electric wheelchair night after night so I could take care of her every minute of every painful moment of time. She knew then she told me when I walked in the front door….she knew how seriously I would dig. My last song I sang for awhile. She smiled. She then signed every legal release for me to be “thorough”. She wanted every answer to every question. I began to “dig” like I have never done before.

Our son kept boxing and became a man. He held his mothers hand while they both held each other’s heart. He broke the shackles on 3 heavy bags. He will travel a few miles with me. We will explore life with possibly a friend or two if they will have us. We are broken down and tired. Little to offer just ourselves.

Our son has a motto that both he and his mother wanted as a permanent reminder to him. Words from a passage that resonate from a boy to his mom. Words. Keep your word. I shared others words with my best friend. She knew. Always did. We always talked. She always knew me best and saw my empty hand. We are at peace with our journey together.

Psalm 144:1.

Praise be to the LORD my Rock, who trains my hands for war, my fingers for battle. He is my loving God and my fortress, my stronghold and my deliverer, my shield, in whom I take refuge, who subdues peoples under me.

An interpretation:

God's boot camp involves teaching us to depend on him. If we never faced a battle, we'd never learn to lean on God for strength and protection. From the moment we put our faith in God for salvation, we are to depend on him for everything: Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

He wants answers about his mother. Agencies became involved a year ago. Our research contained sensitive and confidential medical records as well as legal files. Others will sort out who accessed her medical and legal files….her son and I will mourn our loss while celebrating her life.

We will walk (ride I hope…) a few miles while we collectively find our answers for his mother. We hope to discover a life outside of a home that contains memories. Memories of a new chapter. New beginnings. New dreams. New experiences. That was her wish. I will honour her wish proudly. She passed my hand to a friend. A friend to carry for awhile. She asked me to share this a year ago. The timing was not simply right. It will be in time. She was always looking out for me. I get it now.

We were always able to share our words. She wants another to have a pen and a voice and a chance. That is all. A pen. No more no less. A pen free to write new stories.

There is a story between me and his mother. He understands what was going on with his mother and I. We all walked together yet apart.

We will walk together remembering both good times as well as bad. We both learned that it is not only the good memories that make up lifes story book….it is all of them. We will lean on each other and share the highs and lows. We are stronger than the last 2 years of pain.

He….grew angry through our journey. Watching a system that would only focus on ALS while his mother was in constant pain from a whole host of medical issues. We all fought together until the end.

A long story short: his mother and I put our seperate lives and dreams on hold so that our son could experience whatever sense of normalcy a young man could achieve through the nightmare of the last two years. We all lived together yet far apart. Friendship being the bond. The only solace we have…

He focused his anger on Trolls. He focused on making every day as special as he could. A young man…a minor…patiently listening to his mothers words while they became quieter and more slurred. They created a routine to say goodnight. They pretended it was as clear as day. They did this for each other to make the nightmares hold off for just a moment longer.

True story…..I heard the whisper…it was mine. A whisper of peace, love and understanding. Compassion and strength from every fiber in my being. Fight for every day and every memory. We both knew yet were not ready. Another appointment, another progressive milestone, a laugh and a cry. Fate is in fact inevitable. I will add….make the most of fate or whatever cards you are given. It’s called life’s balance.

Being repeatedly threatened by a group that was relentless. She, confined to a bed inside an apartment, facing not only the unknown of death….dealing with people literally below her window. The daily routines of life became established. A doctor’s appointment here, a hospital stay there, we both focused on research and medical explanations. We found them all. She made me promise not to cry. I hung my head every day. She did as well.

I was asked and made a promise. As most people that know me…when I make a promise it is forever. Forever and a day. My research extended into several neurological disorders. Yes….not just ALS. We discovered a research program that she was entered into. It revolved around depression and the effects on a person. Depression from the disease and depression from society. That story is for another day. It went very very legal and will continue as per her wishes. It turned out….we were not alone in some concerns. A deeper level of Hell unfolded. Every minute of the day.

Today is the start of my promise to her. To knock out “Tundra style” neurological misinformation based on medical diagnosis. Always…..check what medicines are prescribed along with other items that are a catalyst. An example…..in the end….after almost 2 years of battling every day…..she received another diagnosis. It was serotonin syndrome.

For 9 months….she was given medicines that interacted. Damn near EVERY possible side effect of TWO medicines…with a catalyst of her daily budesonide from her asthma medication…She progressively got worse. I honour my promise and will always honour my promise….the world shall know how to help knock out some diseases. I promise.

I took the time to help a friend make a memory every single day. I learned how to live while holding a hand that would no longer move. Every day moving closer to feeding tubes and supplemental oxygen.

The only song that I could ever in a million years….have come close to a fraction of 1 percent. Watch it. Imagine it. The nightmares I will face for all of time are very very real. Hearing a slight gurgle in the middle of the night or watching a silent tear fall. Emotionally, physically and financially devastating. It was all worth it so my friend was NEVER alone. 24/7. 365. If there is only 1 song that you the reader listen to and watch…..this barely comes close. I watched my best friend slowly….go insane. I took that energy from her. I mentioned some trolls comments. I will share my feelings….personally.

I learned every minute of the day….what true pain a single person can feel. It wasn’t about me….it was all about circling back in life to help my friend. That’s all. No “hero of the story”. Just a simple man that could afford to put his dreams and life on hold. Least I could do. It’s my nature.

Not a hero….just a very simple man.

I took some time to get myself somethings for when the day finally came. Slowly as I performed every task from brushing teeth to fighting every form of doctors. A two billion annual system crossed my path….they lost and will soon loose way more. It’s about the answers. Nothing more and nothing less. She wanted this played for those that played. She set things in legal motions that will survive forever and a day. Smart lady.

I got every medical report and figured out a whole lot of Shitnado(tm). A lot. Found out I wasn’t the only one. Learned about medicine interactions, neurology…..and serotonin syndrome.

I noticed trolls comments about my best friend. I made travel plans. Plans to breathe, plans to cry, plans to feel the fresh air enter my body wherever the road would allow me. I retired from social media November 2021 to focus on my best friend 24/7 for however long she would grace the face of the earth. Time for me. Time for our son. Time to heal. Closure of one chapter so the next can sadly begin.

I waited patiently while I performed every task for the opposite sex. I showed her a few comments. I travel with her wishes and full bblessings.A pair of lives put on hold to respect her wishes. One not to be confined to a home, connected to tubes, while she slowly slipped into the abyss. We chose to make simple memories. I did not understand….this was her gift to me. I do now. I thank her.

Her favorite song of the genre. As time passed and the diseases….yes….plural….slowly took hold, she felt and heard everything. I think she knew that she was being called. This song holds 2 memories. One for her and one for me. Although very different memories, this is about her and not about me.

Pain….I like it rough. Pain…can’t get enough. I did everything for 2 people for over 2 years. Picture yourself not being able to move and in pain. From the moment you get up until you pass out from the pain and frustration of not being able to even scratch your itch.

Pain Dearest trolls….I have been watching and figuring out some things. Something about my best friend was it? Pain…..can’t get enough.

Tundra.